Finding Peace in the Midst of Chaos

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finding peace in the midst of the chaos
Hosted by
L.A. Randle

I am not here to convince you of anything, believe what you will. I’m just here to tell my story because everyone has a story to tell, and I refuse to let someone else tell it for me.

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00:00Episode Teaser 00:17Show Music 00:23Intro 00:55Why I Never Chose Me 06:00Mid roll ad 05:46What I learned Throughout my Spiritual Journey

Audio Episode Summary

Through my 14-year-old eyes, I watched her scream lividly at my father, as if he were worth less than the shit on the bottom of her shoe. He stood and stared into the distance, as if she were saying nothing at all.

That is, until my mother hauled off and smacked my father square across the face, causing small drops of saliva to spew across the room.

I assumed she wasn’t too happy about him ignoring her, which is why I found my mom wrestling with my father as if he had possessed her first.

It’s just something that runs through my mind whenever I think about my family. These are small moments that I plan to go into depth on in my upcoming book, “It’s Not You. It’s Definitely Me.”

I often reflect on how I have always perceived myself as a resilient individual. Strong but super sensitive. Shy, but very open. There isn’t much that I find difficult in this life. But the one thing I have always found hard to do is choose myself.

Choosing myself proved to be the most challenging decision I’ve ever made, as others never chose me. I was always seen as second best, overlooked, never considered, and never good enough.

Even during that altercation between my mother and father, I was overlooked. They didn’t think it was important enough to not display acts of abuse in front of their 14-year-old child.

That’s one of the reasons I found it difficult to prioritize my own needs. I wasn’t sure how to do it. I wasn’t shown how to do it. I had trained myself mentally to ignore my own importance.

I didn’t learn how to set boundaries or remove myself from uncomfortable situations. The day I finally stood up and made the decision to love myself—really, really, really love myself, I felt like I was doing something wrong.

I felt like I was neglecting those around me. I felt irresponsible and unloving. I felt like there was no room for me to come first. I made too many major life decisions that I committed to, so choosing me wasn’t an option.

Fortunately, fatigue eventually sets in. I got tired of being neglectful of my mental and physical health. I got so tired of being dependent on other people to love me that I decided to take a spiritual journey.

I decided to pack my mental bags and go on a trip with only myself. I had some inner work to do, as well as some demons I needed to slay. This spiritual journey was one that changed the entire trajectory of my life.

Finding peace in the midst of chaos was a turning point. It changed how I walked, how I talked, and how I carried myself. It changed my entire perspective on life, as well as the people in it.

During this journey, I grew so close to God that He revealed things to me that hurt my feelings, and as a result, He removed those people from my life without my intervention. I learned how to find peace with God and allowed Him to guide me.

God showed me conversations I didn’t hear and issues I wasn’t privy to, which let me know that it was time.

It was time for me to grow up and grow out of every relationship I’ve had over the past 15 years.

The feelings of feeling unloved and disposable no longer existed once I started to let God move into my life.

The inability to maintain my boundaries or follow up with those who had disrespected me vanished.

I started comprehending my true identity and my limitations. I began practicing letting go of the past in order to receive what God was trying to give me.

You see, when you are solely focused on the past, you tend to miss out on your blessings. When you can’t let go of the things that no longer serve you, you aren’t open to receiving them.

I had to free my hands; I had to untie myself from the energies that didn’t want to see me prevail. Over the years, I’ve learned that some people want you to do good, but not better than them.

Once you begin to surpass people in your life, attitudes change and conversations become small talk.

I spent a lot of my years dumbing down who I was so that others would feel comfortable. I would spend a lot of my time dimming my lights so that others wouldn’t feel inferior.

What my spiritual journey

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During my spiritual journey, I grew to appreciate who I was, and I developed a deep appreciation for my calling.

I no longer feel the need to play it small for people who don’t believe in playing it big. Your lack of self-esteem and inability to converse about something other than other people’s business aren’t my responsibility.

I would rather converse about generational wealth as well as ways to make it happen. Anything outside of that is small-minded.

This journey of self-mastery showed me that I wasn’t destined to sink to the bottom.

My purpose is to assist individuals in navigating their mental distress and demonstrating that if you choose to navigate the challenging waters of life, you will emerge triumphant.

But you have to do the work.

I am a serious advocate for mental and physical wellness. My mother, who suffered from severe mental illness throughout my entire childhood, raised me.

It became so traumatic that I eventually had to leave home at 16. The events prior to the age of 16 are foggy but still clear.

It was clear enough to know that I never wanted to be like my mother. It was clear enough to know that I would do everything in my power to become a better version of my mother.

And that was all the motivation that I needed. I didn’t need anything else outside of that.

Do I blame my mother for her illness? I used to. I used to walk around angry. I used to hold her accountable for my mistakes. But I grew up. And I realized that everything that I chose for my life prior to where I am now was my decision.

I chose to hold on to things that no longer mattered. I chose to postpone my own healing. I chose that because I wanted to play victim. Playing victim is so much easier than actually taking accountability for sh*t.

The question is, was I successful in not becoming like my mother?

I almost lost the fight. I almost fell victim to the idea that once it’s in you, there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

But caring for your mental health means more than just sticky notes and affirmations. Caring for your mental health means dissecting your history, coming to terms with your own traumas, connecting with and accepting your past, and following the breadcrumbs.

You will never be able to live in a state of bliss and peace if you don’t come to terms with every version of yourself.

I began to understand that I had to face some ugly truths about myself. And I had to take accountability for the things I did in the past.

I didn’t disregard the motivations behind my actions, but instead, I felt regret for my involvement.

I was a foul individual before I had my first son. I didn’t give a sh*t about you or your situation. I was in a destructive season, and I was ready to tear down anything that got in my way.

I was angry, resentful, and had no empathy for anyone or anything. I was retaliating against you for the pain my mother had inflicted upon me.

I calmed down once I had my first son, but I was still broken. I was trying so hard to not be like my mother that I found myself being exactly like her at times.

I spent the majority of my 20s feeling unhappy and lost, unsure of who I was. I didn’t understand my purpose, but I was living it day in and day out, not realizing that my son was showing me my purpose.

I expended so much energy in avoiding potential greatness that I ultimately found myself back at the starting point.

I was running in circles, getting nowhere. I lacked the stable foundation that a young girl should possess. So I walked through life, begging other people to love me and accept me.

I was a circle trying to fit into square pegs. Spending every waking hour trying not to be something can be daunting for your spirit.

I’ve seen what mental decline looks like. I’ve seen what an unhappy person looks like. I have lived with individuals who have not healed from their own traumas. I’ve been that person who hasn’t healed from their own traumas.It’s not pretty.

I always tell myself that if it was an ugly mess on the outside, then the Lord only knows what the inside of one’s mind looks like.

I feel sorry for my mother every day. To know that she has to live in that head of hers and walk with such a tormented, heavy soul makes me grateful for the health of my own mind.

It makes me grateful for the healing abilities that God has placed in my spirit.

Choosing myself is no longer up for debate. I will never shrink or become overlooked like that little 14-year-old I once was.

I made a commitment to myself, and I plan on keeping it. The one thing I know—the only thing I know—is that I have to live in this body; I have to live in this mind for the rest of my life.

The least I can do is create a space that gives me peace in the midst of chaos.

L.A. Randle

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6 comments
  • I honestly can’t tell you the last time I was able to not lose my mind. I know there are some things i need to change in my life, such as my marriage. i am so tired of being tired.

    • That’s what it took for me. You have to get tired. You have to look at your life for what it is and what you want it to be. You are the creator of your story. Chapters can change.

  • I literally never leave comments on sites. But you have no idea how much just listening to this episode has helped me make small but major changes in my life. Peace is in the process❤️

    • Peace is definitely in the process. Take your time. Baby steps is all that’s needed. Be hard on yourself but not too critical. You got this!

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